Is It Weird That I Thought Finding Nemo Was a Scary Movie? (Answer: Probably)
I was pondering a question from Stacey about what things I would do if I wasn’t too afraid, and I had a bit of a hard time coming up with an answer. I’ve always loved roller coasters (no fear of adrenaline rush); I may be a little afraid of Haunted Houses (slight fear of things jumping out and grabbing me) but I still think they’re fun; I’ve always wanted to go skydiving (no fear of jumping out of a plane); and I would love to go on an African safari (no fear of being eaten by lions). I was on the verge of being stumped. Was there anything I would want to do if it weren’t for my fear holding me back?
And then it hit me: Scuba diving.
I have always wanted to go scuba diving. I think it would be so amazing to explore the ocean and get an up-close view of all the beautiful fish and plant life down there. Growing up, I always knew I would one day learn to scuba dive and go on a great adventure.
But then, I grew up (or at least got older). And I don’t know if I watched too much Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, learned a little too much about jellyfish the size of your fingernail that can kill you, or just developed a healthy fear of all things with sharp teeth, but the thing is, now I am a little afraid of the ocean. When Tim and I have found ourselves on beaches, I have always taken a little convincing to venture out into the water and play in the waves with him. Once I get out there and get comfortable enough to release my death grip on his arm, I have a lot of fun. But I don’t go super far out, I don’t let Tim get too far away from me, and I sure as hell don’t go into murky waters where I can’t see whatever is sure to sneak up and bite my leg.
And thus we have reached the root of the problem. The ocean scares me for the same reason haunted houses scare me: I don’t like things sneaking up on me. And, in the ocean, there is ample opportunity for something to sneak up and do something scary like — *shudder* — rub against my leg. You guys, if I was swimming and felt a fish on my leg, I would freak the eff out. I would automatically assume it was a killer eel or something equally creepy and it was just getting a feel for the meatiness of my leg before circling back for a snack. And that is why the ocean is so scary.
“But Audrey,” you say, “when you go scuba diving, you have goggles that allow you to see everything around you.” That may be true. But the thing about those goggles is that they don’t allow you to see everything around you. They severely limit peripheral vision, and they definitely don’t let me see giant shark swimming up behind me. Trust me on this one — I’ve been snorkeling and had the traumatic experience of turning my head and finding myself face-to-face with a terrifyingly threatening fish.
(Okay, maybe it was just a piece of bread that the boat guy had tossed in the water to attract fish to the area. And maybe Tim spent the rest of our honeymoon laughing at how scared of a piece of bread I was. But that’s not the point! The point is that that piece of bread snuck up on me. It was within biting distance, and I had absolutely no idea. Just think how tragically that could have ended if it had been something with big sharp teeth. You wouldn’t be laughing then, would you? No, you would be crying over the fact that I no longer had a nose because the thing with big sharp teeth snuck up on me in the ocean and bit my nose off of my face.)
Adding a double threat to scary things in the ocean that suddenly appear next to you because of your limited vision is the fact that, in the ocean, everything is quiet. There is no ocean equivalent of footsteps to alert your ears to the fact that something potentially deadly is approaching. Whether it’s a shark or a piece of bread, you aren’t going to know it’s coming towards you unless you can see it. And I think I’ve covered the whole limited range of vision issue already.
So, probably, I might not ever go scuba diving. Or maybe one day I will summon the courage to face my fear and give it a try. Maybe. But I’m going to require goggles that provide a full 360-degree range of vision. So somebody’s going to need to invent that.
And I will probably also wait until a law is passed requiring all threatening ocean creatures to make footstep-like noises everywhere they go. Then if they try to sneak up on me, they will be breaking the law. And we all know what conscious, law-abiding citizens threatening ocean creatures are.
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22 Responses to “Is It Weird That I Thought Finding Nemo Was a Scary Movie? (Answer: Probably)”
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This is pretty damn funny.
I have had your worst fear come true- I have been bitten by a fish! one of these to be exact. when we were snorkeling in hawaii they sold little cups of fish food. they warn you to bury your feet if you’re going to feet the fish but i forgot to….
so the fish got confused and thought my toe was food and i got bit- hard. it hurt but it was just a pinch, really. and i saw them coming because the food makes them swarm.
i don’t recommend being bitten by fish, it is rather painful.
i really like your new law proposal, i say we take this thing all the way to the white house. i do not appreciate having my toes bitten and the perpatrator not even getting a ticket for diorderly feeding!
They have these awesome little personal mini-submarines that have a bubble for your head so you can look all around. Fixes the vision problem, but not the sound problem.
But it’s true, ocean is flippin’ scary. And who wants ocean when you have mountains anyway?
Joel laughed hysterically when I said I hate snakes because they’re sneaky, but it’s TRUE! Sneaky animals are the worst. You will never catch me scuba diving, ever. You forgot to mention the possibility of a faulty oxygen tank causing you to suffocate silently in the ocean! i don’t even like snorkeling. I don’t want to see all the fish in the water WHILE I’M IN THE WATER WITH THEM.
I am terrified of water so scuba diving would definately never happen for me. I don’t enjoy the ocean and I think it comes from growing up near lakes and swimming in water that you can see your toes in and that doesn’t move. I don’t even really like pools over 5 foot. I am a puss.
Dude, the barracuda part of “Finding Nemo” was really scary! I thought the demon-possessed seal in “Happy Feet” was worth screaming about, so don’t worry. This post is great. It reminds me of a snorkeling incident I should write about…
Oh, and also – the idea of water pressure and the air in your lungs needing to expand as you go up and not going too fast and dying from it = VERY SCARY SITUATION. No, thank you.
I just got SCUBA certified, and haven’t been to the ocean yet. I have similar fears, but I couldn’t let Andy go diving by himself and that drove me to get certified. It’s actually pretty cool!
I used to be scared of the ocean (as you know), but I’m getting better. I just think fish are gross. They’re so slimy!
AS and I are going to the Dominican Republic over New Year’s… we’ll see if I dare scuba!
The other things is, you were a wetsuit, booties, and they recommend gloves, so there isn’t much that anything can touch!
I fear the ocean. I know I would scream the same way if a great white is attacking me or if a piece of seaweed rubs across my foot.
I am terrified of scuba diving, too! Not only because of the creatures and their sneakiness, but also I’m terribly claustrophobic, and the thought of having to rely on a breathing apparatus terrifies me. I need open air and there is none of that in the ocean.
I went swimming with stingrays in {insert country names I can’t remember} and I was screaming and running away the whole time. Now that the Crocodile Hunter has passed, I will never swim with stingrays again. I enjoyed snorkeling as long as I was up above the creatures. I didn’t want them near my face, but they were beautiful when they were way down below me. I like being close to the surface so I can dramatically throw my head out of the water to gasp for air! ha ha!
I agree the ocean is scary business, but I’d still scuba dive! I love underwater creatures, they are fascinating.
But from a distance.
Open Water ruined it for me. Even though I’m from a tropical island in the Pacific.
I’m scared of scuba diving, but for a different reason. I mean, the sneaky fishes totally creep me out, but I’m also terrified that I’ll run out of air and somehow be trapped under the water.
That Rufus! He totally changed my name in your comment box!
I’m peeing in my pants over the evil bread fish. You are the funniest person ALIVE, Audrey. *gigglesnort*
I’m terrified of scuba diving too. Or being left behind, like in Open Water. Holyshittooscary.
I WOULD love to do that, though.
I totally can see where you are coming from with this fear. I am slightly afraid of a shark or eel or jelly fish attacking me, but it isn’t a paralyzing fear for me like my fear of flying.
You might freak a little thinking about this, but when I was in Australia I was snorkeling on the great barrier reef. It was one of the most amazing things ever. Well, there are reef sharks–they are harmless, but when I was swimming around with all of the ocean critters I saw a reef shark. Even knowing that it was harmless there was this moment of “I am in their territory now and there is a shark not below me.” I had a moment of self-realization. Yes, there are much bigger things than me in this world.
I am not a fan of things that sneak up on me either and I am all for your proposed laws.
now, not not.
Ohmygoodness, you just put into words EVERYTHING that freaks me out about the ocean… except for Octopussus/Octopi… those are creepy -lots of tentacles to reach out and grab you and suck you into the depths of despair. I am unnaturally afraid of open water, being under water, snorkeling, scuba diving and all things that could potential result in seeing or being eaten by a shark. Or a barracuda-bread-fish.
xox
Haha, I love this post! So funny! Except it’s not funny…. kinda.
I have my own weird fears, I think everyone does. I have always said I want to go Sky Diving, but I the older I get, the more of a fear I develop of falling to my death. I don’t think I’ll ever do it… but they’ve just built one of those sky diving simulation things here so maybe I’ll do that.
Too funny! I am scared of exactly EVERYTHING you listed above (roller coasters, haunted houses, sky diving- WTF, dude, seriously? Not scared? Not even a little bit?) But I am totally o.k. with SCUBA. It’s so scerene and peaceful, minus the hateful bits of bread….
I am also too scared to scuba dive!!
For me, I don’t like the idea of breathing underwater. Under water = hold your breath. Also, I don’t like seaweed. And I hate having my ears pop too. It’s bad all around, really.