The Results Are In

And the winner is…

to be revealed at the end of this post.

But not really because I hate it with every fiber of my being when reality shows drag out big reveals just to build suspense. I don’t give a damn about suspense, but what I do give a damn about is who wins the challenge this week so just freaking say it already, GOSH.

(Seriously, you guys, I have sworn at many reality show hosts because of this. If we watched American Idol I would spend entire months of my life thinking of nothing besides punching Ryan Seacrest in the face. Repeatedly. [Actually, I kind of already do want to punch him in the face just because he's so unbelievably annoying, but it's not like that desire consumes my every thought the way it would if I had to deal with his annoying existence and put up with his dragging out of results announcements on that damn show.])

Look, now I’ve gone and done the thing I hate the most by making you trudge through two stupid paragraphs before telling you that Laurel is the winner.

Laurel wins, y’all! She was the first person to correctly guess that I was lying about harboring a secret enjoyment of winter.

And extra-special super-duper shout-outs go to three of the best people I know, Tim, my mom, and Gary, for guessing correctly after Laurel had already won. Way to go, Tim, Mom, and Gary! You totally rule!

Laurel, a custom-made gold star will be on its way to you just as soon as (1) you e-mail me an address to send it to and (2) I get over my lazy and forgetful ways and actually make it and send it. So, depending on when you get your address to me, you can probably expect to receive your gold star sometime before 2008. Lucky you!

Tim, Mom, and Gary, since you are all such amazingly cool people, I feel like you should get a little something for your awesomeness as well. Gary, you already know to expect something in the mail in roughly 11 weeks’ time (again with the lazy and forgetfulness). And, Mom, how about I make you breakfast next Sunday? Or I can offer my husband’s time and handiness to assist you and Dad with the deck. Or I can offer to help you drink some of that wine that’s taking up so much space in your house. And, Tim, what do you say I help you shovel some of the 10 tons of rock you just arranged to have dumped on our driveway tomorrow morning? I feel like it’s the least I can do.

In an effort to make this the longest blog post ever, I will now provide a little back-story-type-information for each of my Two Truths and a Lie facts. (Oh, yes. I totally rocked that transition.)

1. When I was a kid I thought “living the dream” would consist of teaching in the fall and spring and working summers at Sea World.

True. I think a lot of kids at some point think they want to be teachers. It makes sense, as it’s one of the few careers they get to observe first-hand early in life. When I was in elementary school, I, like most kids, definitely wanted to teach. The grade I wanted to teach was directly related to the grade I was currently in. When I was in 4th grade, for example, I was positive that 4th grade was the best grade in the world and this would be the grade that I would want to teach. I changed my mind, of course, when I saw how amazing 5th grade was. At a similar time, likely after a family vacation to Sea World, I was convinced that being one of the trainers who got to play with the whales and dolphins all day would surely be the best job in the world. Except maybe for teaching. After struggling with this dilemma for quite some time, going back and forth between wanting to hang out with kids and wanting to hang out with dolphins (because, in the mind of a 10-year-old, that is all those jobs would entail) I realized, Holy cow! Teachers have summers off! I can totally teach all year and work at Sea World in the summer! It’s perfect!

Later, of course, I realized that I have patience for neither large groups of children nor science, and abandoned that dream for good.

2. The only time I have ever come close to fainting was on my wedding day.

True. If you happened to see Tim’s comment on yesterday’s post, you may be under the impression that I only ate a few crackers prior to my wedding. That is not true. Although, to be fair, Tim didn’t see me at all before the ceremony, so it’s understandable that he may have had his facts confused. One of the most important pieces of wedding-day advice my mom stressed to me was to make sure I ate something that day. I’m pretty sure she one of her friends (thanks for the correction, Mom!) made the mistake of not eating much on her wedding day and fainted as a result. She is a good mom and didn’t want the same thing to happen to me, so she made sure I knew how important it was to eat before the ceremony. Because my mom is so great, I listened to her advice, and my bridesmaids and I ate some delicious Einstein Brothers sandwiches very carefully so as not to damage our freshly-applied makeup before heading to the wedding site. Once at the wedding site, we got dressed, re-applied lipstick, and did all that pre-wedding photo and prep business that brides and bridesmaids do. While I waited for 6:00 to roll around, I negotiated the fine line between drinking enough water to stay hydrated and drinking little enough water so as not to have to attempt to go to the bathroom while in my dress. The water I did drink, I drank very carefully, so as to minimize the need for lipstick reapplications. Observe the innovative straw-in-the-water-bottle technique:

Fast-forward to the wedding ceremony. I am marrying the love of my life and thinking how nice the sun feels on my back. I am not noticing how the groomsmen are slowly melting into tuxedo-clad puddles of goo and sweat.

Fast-forward to post-ceremony pictures. Still outside, still in the sun. We have taken a bunch of family shots and are now getting a few shots of just the two of us in the gazebo. I start to think about how good it will be to sit down and put my reception flip-flops on, because these gorgeous three-inch heels are starting to get uncomfortable. I also start to feel a little nauseous. I’m tired. I’m getting hot in this sun with all these layers of dress. I want to sit down. I smile for a few more pictures. All the emotions of what I just did are rushing through me. I’m practically dizzy with happiness. No, wait. I am actually dizzy. I tell Tim I don’t feel so hot and I need to sit down. The photographer comments that I am looking a little pale. The photos stop. Tim takes me to the first row of chairs, the chairs my parents sat in during the ceremony. In the 5 steps it takes to get to a chair, I have to rely heavily on Tim for physical support and navigation, as I have a serious case of tunnel vision. Except I don’t know that it’s tunnel vision because I have never experienced anything like this before. Tim gets me to a chair, off my feet, and I immediately start to feel better. Someone brings me a glass of ice water and some crackers. I have a bridezilla moment and snap at the photographer: “Great, I’m so glad you’re capturing this moment on film.” He is smart enough to take the hint. I drink my water, nibble on a cracker, and just sit for a few minutes. The water makes me feel exponentially better. We get back up, sneak in the back door of the reception building, take the elevator up to the 2nd floor, and get ready to make our entrance down the grand staircase into the reception. The rest of the night is absolutely perfect.

3. Much as I complain about the cold, I secretly really like winter.

Lie. While I do like certain wintery things (like playing in the first snow, Christmas, and baking with my mom), I absolutely despise winter. It sucks. It’s cold. The roads are icy. The sidewalks are lined with ice-hardened snow and slush, blackened from the exhaust of cars driving by. Most of all, it’s cold. And I hate it. The end.

If you enjoyed this game, be sure to go play it with some other cool chicas:
Amberly posted 4 Truths and a Lie today.
RA posted 2 Truths and a Lie in the comments of yesterday’s post, and has hinted that she might reveal the answer in a post next week.
Anna posted her 2 Truths and a Lie yesterday, and put the answers up today.

Happy Friday, y’all!

October 19, 2007 | Filed Under Photos & Videos, Random 

comments

9 Responses to “The Results Are In”

  1. RA on October 19th, 2007

    Oh, man. I thought for sure the winter thing was the bluff. I am forever trying to find allies in the cause for Winter Is Not So Bad.

    And also, I thought that you have NEVER felt like fainting, to justify my #2 guess. I do not think you are a swooning Victorian lady in a corset. Just so we’re clear.

  2. David McNelis on October 19th, 2007

    I too dislike winter pretty greatly, but like some aspects. I like to ski for example, though I rarely actually go and do it.

    As for tunnel vision…well, alcohol can induce that too…but that I think is categorized as passing out, not fainting.

  3. Mom on October 19th, 2007

    Just to set the record staight – I did not faint at my wedding – your grandmother was is very wise and had me eat prior to the wedding. However, I did have friend that fainted several times at her wedding – she would start to feel better, stand up to continue the ceremony, and faint again. They finally gave her a chair – then she was fine. She had only had a couple of french fies to eat prior the ceremony. Being the good friend that I am, I reminded her of that prior to her daughter’s wedding last spring – hopefully there was no fainting there.

  4. the real jessie but secretly kat at her job on October 19th, 2007

    Hi Audrey’s mom up above me!

    I still wouldn’t mind working at sea world. except that killer whales and dolphins and such kinda freak me out… maybe not the best career path.

  5. Stacey on October 19th, 2007

    I thought you might like winter for the same reason I do … Eskimos LOVE winter!

    (But apparently not!)

  6. Amberly on October 19th, 2007

    Well, I lost, but I love the wedding dress!

  7. the real Jessie on October 19th, 2007

    Don’t forget that Christmas Eve-Eve is in the winter, and it’s very fun! One more good thing to add to your list. PS I’m glad you didn’t faint! I would have been very worried, to say the least.

  8. Britt on October 20th, 2007

    So not fair for you to post a game while I was out of town!!! Grrrrr!

  9. Laurel on October 20th, 2007

    YES!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE WINNAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    2008 sounds just about right for the gold star, since I may not blog again until then (slacker.)

    Also, I love your mom’s clarifying comment. If my mom read my blog, I would have one of those on every. single. post.

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