random thoughts

The funeral was okay, as funerals go. It was really short and nobody but the jackass mega-church pastor (who I hated) talked, so that was too bad. It was clear the pastor didn’t know anything about Randy except what he learned in the conversation he had with the family the night before. It was a little unsatisfying to say the least.
Immediately after the service lots of folk went to the graveside service, which was to be officiated by Randy’s masonic brothers. I considered going, as it would have probably been a more satisfying service, but opted not to in the end because I kinda feel like the graveside service is for family and very close friends, and even though most of the people at the service went to the graveside, I just didn’t feel like I should. I also don’t think I would like to have had my last memory of him be the image of his casket (which was closed through the whole service, by the way, giving me one less decision to make) being lowered into the ground.
Since most people went to the graveside, there wasn’t much sharing of stories and such at the reception, but I still feel like I got a good amount of closure. Even though the pastor sucked ass, I don’t know if anyone could have done a good enough job putting into words the amazing person that Randy was.

On the way home we stopped in castle rock at the outlets. There was nothing good to buy and it was cold, so we didnt’ stay long. Then we went over to John’ sister’s house for dinner. It was really really fun. We had a great time. BJ (john’s sister) and I drank a lot a lot of wine, but we talked a lot and hit it off pretty well. There’s a chance I may actually have a non-family friend here in the springs. It would be nice. BJ reminds me a lot of Manda, one of my friends from FC. I can definitely see us having lots of good times together. I hope we get to hang out with them again soon.

Also we took Ben over and John had brought Charlotte and BJ and Garrett (her husband) have two big dogs – Daisy and Hagrid. The playing dogs were soooo cute. Ben is one tuckered out puppy today.

realities and distractions

Here is what my day today is centering around. http://www.legacy.com/denver/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=16139640 However, in order to avoid driving through denver at rush hour, we may just have to have a nice dinner in denver before coming home. That could be good.

Here is a distraction from the reality of today.
are you, in fact, a girly-girl?

01. DO YOU HAVE ON A LOT OF MAKE-UP?
maybe remnants of the mascara that didn’t get washed off last night.

02. HOW MUCH DO YOU PUT ON?
mascara and chapstick, usually. More if I want to feel prettier or if I chose to spend time on my face that particular morning rather than sleeping.

03. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY?
including a shower? 20-30 minutes.

04. DO YOU PUT ON A LOT OF LIPGLOSS?
not usually. too sticky.

05. DOES YOUR LIPGLOSS SMELL GOOD?
no. I might not hate the sticky if it smelled good though.

06. DO YOU CARRY A PURSE?
sure do

07. WHAT COLOR IS IT?
ugly green. but it’s functional and all my other purses are teeny tiny, so no good for day-to-day use. I really want a new one that’s pretty AND functional.

09. DO YOU HAVE COACH BAG?
I wouldn’t even recognize one if I saw one.

10. DO YOU HAVE A LOUIS VUITTON?
I really can’t see myself ever being able to justify spening $300 on a teeny little wallet/handbag thing. Especially an ugly one.

11. HOW MANY PURSES DO YOU HAVE?
4-ish. I don’t really keep count.

12. DO YOU LIKE TO WEAR NAILPOLISH?
On my toes, but I’ve been lazy about that lately. I like the theory of having it on my fingers, but it always looks bad the next day, so I don’t usually put out the effort.

13. HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET YOUR NAILS DONE?
only for very special occasions. such as my wedding.

14. DO YOU LIKE MANICURES?
yes.

15. WHAT ABOUT PEDICURES?
LOVE them. But, they are expensive and time-consuming, so I rarely get to indulge myself.

16. DO YOU HAVE A USUAL NAIL SALON YOU GO TO?
nope.

17. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT?
fantastic sam’s, or wherever’s cheapest

18. DO YOU DYE YOUR HAIR?
kat’s response: “no way. i don’t want to have to keep re-dying it all the time and worrying about roots and dry hair and blahblahblah. who has the time? besides i have natural highlights that people pay lots and lots of money to replicate.”
my response: see kat’s response.

19. DO YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR?
no need, for it is straight as a stick.

20. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF PAIRS OF SHOES?
sure do. only wear one or two regularly, though.

21. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SHOES?
flipity flip flops

23. DO YOU WEAR HEELS EVERYWHERE?
hell no. I hated the two months when I had a job that required that. my foot spa got more use in those two months than it ever has before

24. CAN YOU WALK IN HEELS AND NOT FALL OVER?
ummmmmm….yeah. who can’t? (besides boys, of course)

25. WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR CLOTHES?
wherever I have a gift card to. man, I love free shopping

26. DO YOU GO SHOPPING EVERY WEEK?
try every few months

27. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE STORE?
mango. too bad there isn’t one here.

28. HOW MUCH DO YOU USUALLY SPEND?
the amount on my gift card.

29. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN DIOR?
why would I want to go there?

30. DO YOU FOLLOW FASHION TRENDS?
I am my own fashion trend. take that, girly girl quiz!

31. DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF HUGE SUNGLASSES?
hell no.

35. HOW MANY PAIRS OF EARRINGS DO YOU HAVE?
about 20 now, thanks to my wonderful husband and his christmas gifts.

36. DO YOU WEAR HOOP EARRINGS?
only teeny tiny ones

37. DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF SKIRTS?
I have a handful

39. DO YOU GET YOUR EYE BROWS DONE?
no need

40. CAN YOU APPLY MASCARA WITHOUT OPENING YOUR MOUTH?
can I? yes. do I? no.

41. DO YOU WEAR A LOT OF EYELINER?
I suck at putting eyeliner on, and to me it simply isn’t worth the time. so no.

42. DO YOU DO PILATES OR YOGA?
I have, but I don’t.

45. DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF MAGAZINES?
none, actually.

so according to this I might just be a boy. Either that, or I’m just not shallow and high-maintenance and obsessed with how I look.
I happen to know that I definitely am a girl, so i must fall into category number two. What a relief. I hate “girly girls” (as defined by this quiz). Thank god I’m not one of THOSE.

Tomorrow

Big events that are happening tomorrow:
1. Mr. T’s funeral
2. My brother’s divorce will be finalized
3. Malia (my godmother’s daughter) and Tavi are getting married

I feel like I should have something profound to say about how two things are coming to an end (one of which is sad, the other not so sad) and another thing signals the beginning of something very very happy.

For example, I could comment on how there appears to be two negatives and a positive, but really one of the “negatives” (the divorce), while it signifies an ending, is actually a positive thing for all involved. So we have a negative ending, a positive ending (let’s call it a neutral), and a positive beginning. Does that mean there is balance in the universe?

As it turns out, I don’t have anything profound to say, I just find the combination of landmark events taking place tomorrow interesting.

God, I hate this week.

Since I stopped pretending it wasn’t true so I could enjoy Christmas, I have been having a shitty week. I almost cried in my boss’s office when I asked for Friday off so I could go to the funeral. Oh, yeah, the funeral is friday, by the way. I don’t know how to feel about it. Do funerals help? Do they bring any sort of closure by forcing you to stop blocking all those thoughts you don’t want to think – that you’ve been trying so hard not to think so as not to cry in front of people who aren’t your husband – and thus making you cry in front of loads of people who aren’t your husband? God, I sure hope it helps. I’ll be fine, and then suddenly it’s all I can do not to cry. Unless I’m at home, in which case I try not to hold it all in. I know that’s not too healthy a thing to do. Thank God for Tim.
Another thing that I’ve been debating about the funeral – what do I do if it’s open casket? I’ve given it a lot of thought. Normally, I would think I’d definitely want to see him (or the shell which once contained him) one last time. But it’s more complicated than that. He was a fairly large man before he was sick, but when the cancer spread from his esophogus to his stomach, he went a long, long time not being able to eat and lost something like 130 pounds. I never saw him after he was sick. I am afraid that body in the casket won’t look anything like the man I knew. I’m afraid he’ll just look sick and that will make it harder. Or worse, I won’t even recognize him and I’ll have an even harder time believing that he’s really gone. I’ll just think, oh, that’s not him. I’m at some other man’s funeral. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe they’ll just keep the casket closed and make the decision for me.
I miss him so much. I’ve been missing him for the past couple of years, and I was so looking forward to seeing him again and getting one of those great big bear hugs he was so good at giving out. And hearing him go on a rant on the latest thing that needs to be done better and agreeing with him and feeling inspired to work to make those changes that need to be made. And watching the way he interacts with everyone and how everyone flocked to him because they were always so happy to see him because he just gave out that vibe that made you know that yes – I am important to this person. He is happy to see me. Because no matter how busy he was doing whatever needed to be done, he would always, always take a moment to give each one of us who came up to say hi to him a hug and ask us how we were and actually listen to our response. And that’s just a tiny part of the great man that he was. He approached everything with enthusiasm and a positive attitude of “this is how we can make this work best.” He was an amazing father to his daughters and husband to his wife. My heart aches so much for them. I can’t even imagine what unbearable pain they’re going through right now.

All about my Christmas

I’ve been putting this off because I am not really sure how to approach writing about the weekend I had. Should I start with the good or the bad? Make two separate posts? How on earth will I transition between the good and the bad without it being all abrupt and stupid? How do I talk about the good without seeming like the focus isn’t on the bad, where perhaps it should be? How do I not make it seem like I’m disrespecting the gravity of the bad by shifting my focus on the positive things. Having not reached any sort of conclusion that is satisfying, I’m just going to write it all out, starting with the bad so as to end on a good note. If I worry too much about whether or not I am addressing things “correctly,” this will never get written. And it needs to be. So, here goes. Just know that I really can’t justify feeling bad for trying to have a good Christmas despite the news I got on Christmas Eve. And the more I think about it, the more I think you all will agree that I did what was best for me, and I should just stop worrying about it and write it down already.

So, on Christmas Eve night, shortly after putting on new pj’s, when I was getting ready to make egg nog and snack on delicious munchies and have a fun evening of watching “the grinch” and playing games, my phone rang. I answered it and heard, “Hi, Audrey, this is Melissa. Your mom gave me your number. T passed away today.” I have to add, here, even though it wouldn’t have made a whole lot of sense with my mom giving Lissa my number and all, that I thought when she said “T” that she said “she.” As in, my mom. My world absolutely stopped for half a second until I said in a very panicked voice, “Who did?” and Melissa said something like “Mr. Trullinger” or “Randy Trulinger” (we called him “T” because it’s much less of a mouthful than Trullinger) or whatever she said. And when she said that, I must admit I felt relief. Who wouldn’t? I thought for a second that my mom was dead, and it turned out she wasn’t. But then it sank in who really had died, and I’m afraid I might not have been very polite because dammit Melissa, you just ruined my Christmas Eve and I Need to get off the phone right now. I think I asked if she was okay and told her thanks for calling and hung up. Jenn asked me what happened and I told her, “Oh, a man I knew from Job’s died.” I thought I was okay, that I could keep it together. But then I saw Tim gesturing for me to come give him a hug and I threw myself into his arms crying. He confirmed who it was – it wasn’t too hard to guess, seeing as how T had had cancer for quite some time. But I quickly pulled myself together again, determined to still enjoy my Christmas Eve. And I managed to hold back the tears for quite some time. Maybe 40 minutes. But I was trembling and on the verge of losing it the whole time. Then Tim looked at me and told me he was worried about me, and I said I was ok, but then promptly lost all control and retreated to the basement because, of course, I cannot cry in front of people. He came down after me, and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder, then we talked about happier things and he brought me some pepto to try to make my nausea go away, and then we went to sleep. Christmas Eve was over. No munching on artichoke dip and playing games. No staying up with Jenn all night in the basement. Just sleeping, because it was easier than thinking. We woke up Christmas morning, Tim asked how I was, and despite having just had a dream about going to T’s funeral, I told him I was doing okay and I just wanted to have a happy day. I spent the day ignoring any dangerous thoughts that came into my head, and pretty much convinced myself that it was all a bad dream, and he was just still sick, that’s all. I broke down once, when that damn “Christmas shoes” song about the boy with the dying mother came on the radio. But I still managed to have a happy Christmas. I had to. What was my other choice – sit around and cry all day and put a huge damper on everyone else’s Christmas? Yeah. That wasn’t going to happen. So I put a smile on and truly did have fun and did feel happy as long as I could keep those pesky thoughts at bay. I almost hate to admit it, because I know there were many, especially T’s family, who didn’t have the luxury of being happy on Christmas. Don’t judge me.

Yesterday I was feeling surprisingly good most of the morning. It was weird. I kept thinking, I haven’t seen him in a couple of years. It’s not like my life is really altered by this. But then Tim came home and slowly the realization came over me that, yes, my life truly has been altered. Because there was always the possibility and hope that I would see him again. And now that’s gone. (Although, as Tim pointed out, which helped me feel better, I will see him again someday.) I cried on Tim’s chest for a good hour or two, then eventually summoned the strength to actually vocalize my feelings. It helped, hard as it may have been. I’m not going to get into all of it, since I’ve talked to Tim and don’t feel like I really need to write it all down. This is the first time I’ve dealt with something like this. This is the first time someone even remotely close to me has died. So these feelings are all new to me, and I’d rather keep them private, at least for the time being.

I will say this. Randy Trullinger was a great, great man. He will be sorely missed. He did a lot of good for a lot of people. I don’t know anyone who knew him who could honestly say that he didn’t make their life better by being in it. I’m not going to go into what all he meant to me and what he did for me, because this post would never end. My mom told me that he was in a lot of pain near the end, and I am happy that his pain and suffering have ended and he is in a much better place. He’s not sick anymore. He did get better, just not in the way we all hoped he would.

Okay, on to the good. (I told you my transition would suck.) I’m going to just start with Christmas Eve morning and go on from there. I was made to get up early on Saturday so I could go out for breakfast with Maggie and Jenn. We went to this wonderful restaurant in Old Colorado City where we had one of the best breakfasts I’ve had in a long time. We promptly decided that we would come back for breakfast every year at Christmas time. Man that was good stuff.

Next on the agenda was to go to Whole Foods and buy the munchies for later that night. But we got a call from the boys (Tim and Dennis, who were at my house supposedly discussing how to go about tearing down a kitchen wall and putting the bar in its place) saying they needed our input on something right away. So the rest of the way to our house I was thinking, great – there’s going to be a hole in the wall or some other such thing. No big deal. They’ll make it look good, etc. etc. I am very naïve and had no idea that anything was being plotted or schemed all morning long. And why would I? The surprise I didn’t know I was coming home to was from Tim’s parents, and I had no reason to believe they were getting us anything big besides the dishwasher. Seriously, I thought the dishwasher was really good and super generous. Apparently I hadn’t yet learned not to underestimate the generosity of Tim’s parents. When we got back to the house, Tim took me upstairs where I found … (drumroll) … a brand new super soft, king size bed!!!! I was literally speechless. As soon as I came to my senses, I took my shoes off and threw myself onto that heavenly pillow-top goodness. Tim had our new sheets and duvet that we’d gotten as wedding gifts on it and it was so pretty! Man, oh, man, what an amazing gift! Then, of course, I realized that we were sleeping at Tim’s parents’ house that night, and I wouldn’t get to test out the new bed until Sunday night. It was okay, though, because I was still super excited about it and it left something to look forward to after all the other presents had been opened on Christmas.

So, then we went shopping for munchies and had lunch at Elephant Bar – sooo yummy! Then back to Tim’s parents’ house where Tim and I took a nap and then watched some cheesy Christmas cartoons on the Disney channel. Then off to church and then back to the house to discover really cute and cozy new pj’s from the pajama santa. And, well, you know how the rest of the night went from there, so fast forward to…

Christmas morning! I didn’t sleep well all night, from a combination of uncomfortable couch, sadness, and excitement for Christmas. I managed to stay in bed, sleeping off and on, until about 7:00. Then I just couldn’t take it any more, so I woke Tim up and we went upstairs. We made mimosas and ate some coffee cake with the rest of the fam. Aleisha called, and we got to talk to her for an hour, which was really nice. Then we began the long process of opening gifts. There were a lot. We took a break to eat scones, then another break to put the roast in the oven, then finally finished sometime around noon, I think. It was very relaxed and laid-back and fun. What else did I get? Well, I’m glad you asked. Several books, bunches of jewelry (don’t get jealous – it was all the non-expensive kind. But it was also much needed and coveted, so it was super exciting) including a ring, loads of earrings (I had none, and was afraid my holes would close soon), and a necklace or two. Tim had the wonderful poster he got me as a wedding gift framed, which was awesome. I think we’re going to hang it above the bed. The poster we have up there now looks a little small above the new ginormous bed. I also got a bag of mint M&M’s, aka my favorite Christmas candy ever, a pair of extra cozy slippers from Tim, and a handful of other miscellaneous fun stuff. Everyone else really liked their gifts. Tim really liked the movie plot generator book I got for him as well as the family guy goodies. It was a very successful morning, as gift exchanges go.

While we waited for dinner to be ready, all the while dying from the amazing smell that was filling the house, we watched a few episodes from Tim’s shiny new “The Office – Season 1” DVD and laughed heartily.

Dinner was absolutely delicious. Best dinner I’ve had in a long time. One of Maggie’s clients had given her a standing rib roast, which Maggie and Jen cooked with a schmear of horseradish, garlic, rosemary, and other delicious things. While roasting, the schmear turned into a crust, which was like having the best Christmas ever all inside your mouth when you ate it. It was phenomenally good. We also had mashed potatoes, green beans, asparagus, etc. But the roast with its heavenly crust was definitely the highlight of the meal.

The rest of the day was fairly low-key. I talked to my parents and my brother, we watched more “Office,” played Catch Phrase, and all seriously considered having more roast despite the near-bursting level of our stomachs. We eventually packed up the presents (and leftover roast!) and went home and crashed in our heavenly new bed. All in all, it was a good Christmas.

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